Two year on

It was two years ago today that I started this blog, and today I have started another one.

I have decided to change this into Pilgrim News.

I'll keep this one online so it can be a permanent online reminder of two years of agony and ecstasy, mainly the former.

Join me on my pilgrimage.

weary

One of the main problems with depression is tiredness. My energy levels are pretty low and I often feel tired and don't feel like doing anything. Yesterday one of my successes was getting out of bed. I managed to do that at 10.00 a.m. after a lot of self-persuasion.

Today my legs are so weary that I wonder how I can face pedalling to Bentham and then to Ingleton. But the sun in the sky, the blue bits surrounding it, and the whispiness of the clouds tell me that I will enjoy it really.

Positive punctuation and Negative news

I couldn't decide whether this should be a positive blog or a negative one. So you get both.

The positive is provided by Lynn Truss through her book "Eats, shoots and leaves" which I am reading at the moment.

This should be a boring book because it's about English grammar and punctuation. But in fact it's a very funny book because of her writing style and her quirky use of examples. This was why it was a best-seller a few years ago and gave her the fame and fortune she so richly deserved. A cliche anyone?

The negative comes from Sky News. They promise me "Fifteen minutes of news every fifteen minutes." So I sat down at 9.45 p.m. last night prepared to be told the latest current events and rose at 10.00 p.m. in a rage. Why? Because they showed endless pictures of Prime Minister Gordon Brown meeting and greeting people whom I took to be heads of state and talked over them about the Home Secretary fiddling her expenses.

I was incensed. The business about the expenses will be forgotten next week while the talks the PM has with these people will have an affect for a long time to come. AND THEY NEVER TOLD US WHO THEY WERE. How frustrating and maddening!

Getting out and doing it

Living in the countryside is a wonderful thing. Yesterday was a fabulously clear day with bright sunshine. The Dales and the Lakeland hills looked gorgeous.

Matthew and Audrey wended their way up Wernside in the afternoon while I snoozed on the sofa and then prepared my thoughts for preaching at Newby.

As it was Passion Sunday I got them thinking about the Passion of Christ. We sang five hymns and thought about the way Jesus was flogged, crowned with thorns and mocked. It was pretty tough but it was worth it.

I didn't feel like going but I was glad I did.

Well, hello....again

I'm sorry I haven't been around here for a while. It's just that the horrendous weekend really got me down and I could not bring myself to write a bright, breezy blog. And I did not think you wanted to read a right down miserable one. But I am on my way up again now, so here I am.

These last few blogless days have taught me something, . One is that people appreciate it when I do appear here. The other is that I don't seem to be able to use my skills in wordsmithing unless I am feeling well enough mentally.

Horrendous weekend

This has been the most horrendous weekend for our family. On Thursday Nathan got sent home from his Apprenticeship.

On Saturday he went to visit his girlfriend in Hull. I had arranged the train trip for him but he missed his connection in Leeds and I had to sort out his catching a bus instead.

Eventually we ourselves set off for Liverpool and an Open Doors meeting launching the Walk with Them campaign. We then went to see my Aunty Mary in her residential home.

After that we saw the Anthony Gormley statues of himself totally naked on a windy beach in Crosby. This was followed by a visit to Tescos in Southport for hamster food and bedding, a pub meal somewhere in West Lancashire and a trip through the city centre of Preston.

On Sunday things didn't improve. Nathan had another bad journey home and got stranded in Leeds. I was due to sing with the Shepherds Choir in Burton-in-Lonsdale but had to hare off to Leeds Station with Audrey to rescue Nathan.

He hadn't enjoyed his visit, and the relationship ended yesterday. So things are falling apart. What a mess.

We are clinging to the promise in Romans 8:28, "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose." We are clinging to it like wreckage in a storm.

a sudden stop

Nathan's apprenticeship came to a sudden stop yesterday. I spent the day in retreat at Pilgrim's Rest and when I got home the phone rang. It was Nathan's lecturer at Kendal College to tell me that he had been given his marching orders by the care company. As Audrey had driven him to work, I had to go and fetch him.

So instead of making the tea I found myself haring off to rescue him from work. I tried to make him feel better by taking him to Asda Cafe for tea.

We also got his tickets for the weekend visit to his girlfriend in Hull. I am sure that will help him too. But now, as my wife Audrey says, "Where do we go from here?" God knows. And we can trust him.

A day in the life

Yesterday I Twittered all day. From getting up in the morning to going to bed at night I was letting all the world know what I was doing. Well, all the Twitter followers and Facebook Friends anyway.

It was a bit of an experiment really, to see if anyone was interested in what a Christian Englishman living on benefits did to pass the time. The most interest came from Facebook. The one Twitter that caused most comment was: lying on the couch listening to lovely quiet music.

This created several comments. Funnily enough it was the only time during the whole day when I wasn't actually do anything. No, that's not true. What I was doing was recharging my physical batteries so I could get on and do some more.

What was it the Mars ad said? "A Mars a day helps you Work, Rest and Play."

I can't get through a day without having a rest somewhere. Why do we all have to be rushing about without stopping?

I hate the Protestant Work Ethic. Why do we have so many deaths from heart attacks and strokes in this country? Because we're all too busy. Not that we have to be busy actually doing things, but because we think other people need to see that we're busy. That's ridiculous.

Inernet Intimacy

What a phenomenon it is to have Facebook and Twitter.

They have brought an intimacy to the famous that was previously unknown.

Yesterday I was able to:

1) follow a household name who is never off British TV as he wandered in Manhattan
2) enjoy the exploits of a well known comedian/actor as he catered for plumbers improving his central heating
3) visit the House of Commons with a political commentator
4) aggravate Tory voters by making comments about William Hague's extra-parliamentary activities
5) discuss with a Christian writer/columnist the problems of our respective children

Such a day would have been unthinkable just a few years ago. But I did it all yesterday.
Quite remarkable, and very enjoyable.

Internet argument

I seem to have upset some little Conservatives over my comments on Hague and his huge payments for talking. If you want to follow the discussion have look here

He passed!

Every day I write down the successes I have had. Yesterday there was just one, but O what a one. My son Nathan passed his driving test, and I helped him get there.

I was delighted. Thank the Lord. He can now drive himself to his new job.

Thank you Lord

Money talks

Yesterday Harriet Harman and William Hague faced each other across the despatch box in the House of Commons. It was revealed that Hague was paid £30,000 pounds for two after-dinner speeches by the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I can speak well in public but I don't get paid anything. No, wait. A few weeks ago I preached at Settle St. John's and they offered me expenses. At 40p a mile that amounted to £8.00. I do think Mr. Hague speaks well, but surely charging £15,000 a time is nothing short of extortionate.

It begs the question: What can people like that understand about people like us?

internet obsession

Forty years ago, when I was a teenager I was obsessed with radio: I had my own pirate station called the Wheel; I went around the house singing radio jingles; I desperately wanted to be a DJ. That was how Jesus caught me.

I was in Australia, 35 years ago, when a former radio DJ who was then a pastor challenged his congregation to set up a Christian radio station in Hobart Tasmania. That was when I realised that my life was nothing without Jesus.

Now I'm very keen, I wouldn't say obsessed, by the Internet. Just lately I have got onto Skype and Twitter. I realise that Twitter is best used from a mobile phone but there is no way I can afford to do that at the moment. Nevertheless, I want to be at the cutting edge of this technology so that Jesus can be there too.

I've just put my Skype and Twitter details on my email signature so that others can follow me and hopefully follow Jesus. O, and I'm on Facebook too.

Facebook: Peter McCabe, Leeds
Twitter: PeterJMcC
Skype: peter-mccabe

See you around the ether.

Busy day

I hardly stopped yesterday.

I took Nathan to the bus for his day at College and soon after that was helping my friend Colin to get his printer working properly. He lives in Bentham and it was on my way to the Looking Well. I didn't succeed but left him with opportunity of emailing the makers for help. Sounds a bit like prayer.

Then I was off to the Writers Group and read out my Book Review. It was a direct result of attending those meetings that I wrote it.

Straight after lunch I was off with Audrey to Lancaster to buy a suit for an IMC wedding which is coming up in April. We got a really good deal in BHS which included not only the suit, but also shirt, tie and shoes. Very pleasing.

As soon I got back I had to rush off to Kirkby Lonsdale to pick Nathan up and called into Audrey's dad to pick up some freezer food which was left with him while she defrosted our freezer.

After tea I was out to lead the House Group. We were looking at the Ark of the Covenant. I finished early because I was tired.

Lastly we watched an Horizon programme on BBC2 about our body clocks. By 9.30 p.m. my body clock was telling me it was time for bed. A good busy day.

Apprenticeship

Jesus is a model for all of us to copy, not just those in obvious ministry roles. Learning to follow him is a lifetime’s apprenticeship.

Jane Cornish (adapted from Daily Bread JM09)

I just read this quote in Wordlive. It reminded me to tell you that yesterday my youngest son, Nathan aged 20, started an Apprenticeship. He is working for a care company in Kendal. He will be working at a care home there for four days a week and going to Kendal College on the other day. What a day it was for him. And for us. He will learn to be a carer. We will have two sons working. Wonderful.

The trouble is that the word Apprentice conjures up the image of some big shot pointing at some little person and saying "Your fired!" and only once shouting "You're hired!".
So the media has given apprenticeship a negative connotation. I see they've got the big shot, Alan Sugar, advertising the government's Apprenticeship Scheme on the other channels which don't show him pointing the finger. Which are the viewers going to remember - the finger of rejection or the hand of help?

O, and yesterday I got the magazine A Single Step which includes my review of the book "Coming Back to Me" by Marcus Trescothick. So it was a great day for me too!

Dead end week

This has been a week of thinking about the end of life. On Tuesday I attended the funeral of a Grand Old Man of Ingleton. Gordon Barker was nearly 98 when he died. He had lived in Ingleton for most of his life and could remember the New Village being built.

When I tell you that these houses were built during the First World War to house miners from the colliery which then existed, you will realise what a treasure trove of memory was stored in his mind. I managed to capture some of that towards the end of last year when I went to interview him.

On Wednesday it was time to say farewell to Teddy Dawson. He was only 79 years old but he was a believer and the funeral showed that. Burglars could have had a field day at all the Methodist houses in the area, because just about everybody was there. And those who weren't there were at work. Three hundred people packed into St James Church Clapham and the singing was magnificent.

Yesterday I went to visit my Auntie Mary in her residential home in Liverpool. She will be 90 in June and says she has lived too long and wants God to take her. When her wish is granted, it would be good to have everything organised beforehand. So I took with me a form to order and pay for a funeral ahead of time. While I was with her in walked the vicar of her church. This was very helpful and I am certain the Lord arranged it. Just as he will help us to arrange her send-off.

Filming the Waterfalls

Yesterday I was part of a film unit.

The Looking Well at Bentham is involved in a project centred around the Folly in Settle. Archives Alive launches in April and it features old documents from Ingleton about the Waterfalls Walk.

As part of the exhibition they are putting on, a short film of the Waterfalls Walk is going to be projected and half a dozen of us trapsed over the Thornton Force to film it.

I really enjoyed it. Clambering about with a camera and tripod, walking in and out of shot to the director's cue and generally hanging about was really good fun. It was creative too.

Next step for me of course is to go and peruse the documents in order to increase my knowledge of Ingleton in Victorian times.

Every day success

One of the reasons I have got into this difficult state is that I major on the negative. I could have a day at work when everything went well except one little thing and I would only remember the little thing. Eventually the little things became one big THING.

But for the last month I have been keeping a record of every day and each one has seen at least one success. At the end of every day I write down my successes, even though I might have had some failures. I then read these over and find that I am not such a failure as I thought.

To someone who has thought as long and hard about failure as I have, this is a tremendous step forward. I am seeing success every day. I probably was before but I never noticed it.

Wow, what a difference.

Another week is gone

I can't believe that I've let another week slip by without blogging.

I put a space on my calendar to write between 8 and 9 in the morning but I haven't managed to do it once. Why not?

Well, a couple of times I slept in, in spite of what I put in my last post. At other times I got so engrossed in reading, replying and writing emails that the time was gone. Also, I tend to do a lot of surveys online and they take up time.

But all these are excuses really. If I am going to write I am going to have to make time for it. Other things are going have to be pushed out of the way.

Write I must and write I will.

A new day dawns

I enjoy getting up in the morning more than I used to. This is either because I am enjoying life more or because I don't wake up in the night as often.

I think it's the former which is a good sign. Most nights I wake at three or four o'clock and don't get back to sleep for a long time. That's a classic sign of depression.

Having work to do, even if it is voluntary work, gives you a reason to get up in the morning and also having a timetable to follow helps you to get things done. I still don't want to overdo it. The secret is having a balance.

All we like sheep have gone astray

I have just returned from a walk. I set off with Audrey down Dumb Toms Lane, turned right across the fields to Fourdales and then we went separate ways.

She went off down Tatterthorn to get a paper and I set off back over the fields to Langber. (You can look all this up on Google Map). One of the fields took me past sheep. They must have been hungry because the sight of a human being got them racing across to see if I had any fodder.

Not only that, but in the next field the sheep had got wind of me too. There was a whole flock of them bleating at the top of their voices and heading for the hedge to see if I would feed them. They looked rather sad when they saw I had nothing to offer.

It made me think how easily we run after someone whom we think has something to offer us. And when they don't we give up on them pretty quick. That's human, and sheep, nature I suppose.

A full day

I did it. I filled yesterday with lots of good things.
Some of them were cerebral - writing, thinking and musing.
Others were active - cleaning the kitchen, going for a walk, having a shower, making the tea.
One was a great success - getting my laptop back online after several weeks without the Internet connection working. Now I can talk to you on that as well.
Yes, even though it started with a blank page, yesterday was a full day.

A blank page

Today I looked at my diary and saw a blank page. Not so unusual, you might think. But to me this could be a horrendous problem.
One of the difficulties I had in my last job was time management. Somehow my masters expected me to know how to fill my time and often I didn't. So now I have taken to writing out a timetable for every day and sticking to it as much as possible.
I ask for the Lord's help with each part of it, turning to him as each one is done. I thank Him for helping me to do it and ask for His help to do the next one.
Today I don't have anything planned at all . So I have had to take a blank page and fill it with my own plans and activities. This has not been something I have been good at, but I am going to give it a try.
I will let you know how I have got on when I post a blog tomorrow.

Rush, rush, rush

I am writing this at the Looking Well in Bentham where I work as a volunteer. My role is to help anyone who wants to go onto a computer but isn't sure what to do.

I have dashed here from Hornby because I was called out on my other volunteering job to drive a lady to an appointment.

This happened because one of the other volunteers phoned in sick at the last moment. So I rang here to say I would be late in and went haring off to Hornby.

Interestingly enough this dashing about has had two affects.

1 I really felt a buzz in having to meet timetables and deadlines

2 I got a headache and starting worrying about whether I would be in the right place at the right time.

If I can overcome No. 2 and put everything into No. 1 then things would be better. But I still see this volunteering as helping me get back to work eventually.

What does this afternoon hold? Well, I'll be with the Looking Well group singing at Reid House in Ingleton at 4.00 p.m. till 6.00 p.m. Then there's an Open Doors prayer meeting at 7.00 p.m., before which I have to go home and eat my tea.

I haven't had a day like this for ages. I suppose it is normal life for lots of people.

But for me it's like going to London - nice to visit but I wouldn't like to live there.

I'm no xenophobe...

Have you noticed that whenever people want to say something about people of another colour they start by saying "I'm not a racist, but.."?
Well, I'm not a xenophobe, but I have never been so insulted as when applying for jobs in the recent hiatus when I had to be a job seeker.
On every application form I filled in I had to prove that I was legally able to work in the United Kingdom. It did feel like an insult.
Only once have I not lived in this country. That was when I was a foreign exchange student at Waverly High School, Nebraska, USA in the 1970/71 school year. That was also when I became aware of the wonderful diversity of cultures that this world offers and I have celebrated and enjoyed it ever since.
But to be asked to prove that I have the right to work in my own country, whose air I have breathed for most of my 55 years and whose taxes I have paid for decades really was an insult.
That's why I can understand the frustration of those who are upset at foreign labour being brought into this country when we have such high unemployment.
And I never thought I would see the day when I would shout at Lord Mandelson when he appeared on TV to justify this "Why should we believe anything you say anyway?!" But I have and I did.
Gosh, this is turning into a ranting blog!

Writing, writing, writing

Since a week ago today, when I was deemed unfit for work, it has come to me that the only thing I can do is write. So I keyed into my PC diary as from this morning WRITING - At the PC, on the laptop, at the seaside ANYWHERE! Blog Write anything, anything at all JUST WRITE!

So here I go.
It snowed here during the night and we have a white wonderland again. No sooner has a flake of the white stuff fallen, as it does as I write, than the media starts shouting "Chaos!" What an overused word that is.
On Friday I was chatting on Facebook with a woman who runs a cafe in Montana and she said they get 400 inches of snow a year. What have we got to worry about?!
But what amazed me and made me write it on my Facebook profile status was that she had a webcam set up and I could see her at work and even see the PC she was chatting to me on, between customers. It was weird but wonderful. Whatever next?!

Three Things

Three very important things have happened since my last post:

1 PC Speaker System

On Friday night a week ago I was looking at a DVD I might use in my housegroup on my laptop. I thought to myself "I could hear this better if I had one of those speakers system specially made for computers." To cut a long story short, next morning I found myself unexpectedly helping with a Coffee Morning in Bentham, a nearby village. At the end, when they were clearing up I saw the very thing I needed and got it for nothing. AND it has the most amazing tone. Our God doesn't deal in cheap rubbish.

2 Sunday AM @ IMC
On Sunday I preached at IMC (Ingleton Methodist Church) in the morning service for the first time in a year. The feedback I got was amazing. It's been almost overwhelming but most welcome too. It made me realise I really do have a gift in that way.

3 Appeal Hearing
On Monday afternoon I attended a hearing into my appeal against the stopping of my Incapacity Benefit in September. I had to answer questions from a specialist doctor and an independent adjudicator. They allowed my appeal so my benefit goes up.
It's a bit of a win and lose situation. I have won my case but it means I still have mental health issues to deal with.

Writing more

I was encouraged by the response to my what I wrote last time. Your interest and encouragement has made me want to write more.

There is an idea for another article at the back of my mind, but what really makes me fizz is the lives of those who inhabited Ingleton in olden times. I just can't get enough of them.

If I could write about them in a way that would capture the interest and imagination of The Girl on the Train, I would have it made.

The Girl on the Train? She's the one I have to sell to if I'm going to make anything from this. She rides the train into the city everyday to a boring and insecure job and to while away the time she reads a novel. If I could get her to shift from romance or chick-lit to The Ingleton Chronicles I would have it made.

God show me how to do it!

Writing a bit

I have at last started to write more than just this blog. It all began when I started attending a writers group at the Looking Well in Bentham.

Since then I have written two book reviews for a magazine published by the Depression Alliance and have just sent one off to another published by a mental health group in Lancaster. It's great to start again.

Once I get going I really enjoy it.

Show me the money!

I like films and try to keep up with them but there is one scene I keep hearing about and have no idea what it is.

It includes the phrase "Show me the money!" and I think it is in the context of bank raid. But I don't know any more than that. If anyone could enlighten me I would be very grateful.

But to go on to what I really wanted to say - that is I have been forced by my lack of income to be very careful with money. I now think before spending anything, no matter how small the amount.

I don't have a credit or a debit card so I have to pay for everything with cash. This is a good thing as it helps me realise how much things really cost. I used to put it all on a card before I gave up my job and never thought about the reality.

Also, I have learned to make a little go a long way. Living on benefits is an eye-opener. The money just isn't there, so I can't spend it. Every purchase, however small, has to be weighed against what's coming in.

This has been a good exercise for me and I am beginning to appreciate the value of money.

And so this is Christmas...

Well, I had a good Christmas but now I'm going down with a fluey cold.

Nathan's girlfriend Laura came over from Hull to spend New Year with us. She went yesterday at 1414 and at 1907 Emma arrived back from Edinburgh with her new boyfriend, Andrew, in tow.

Interestingly this is a short little fellow with strong Scottish connections. My sister Sheila is married to a man named Andrew who could be described in just the same way. How about that?!

Oh, and I could be described thus too, but I am Peter. Do genes influence our choice of a mate?