Well, hello....again

I'm sorry I haven't been around here for a while. It's just that the horrendous weekend really got me down and I could not bring myself to write a bright, breezy blog. And I did not think you wanted to read a right down miserable one. But I am on my way up again now, so here I am.

These last few blogless days have taught me something, . One is that people appreciate it when I do appear here. The other is that I don't seem to be able to use my skills in wordsmithing unless I am feeling well enough mentally.

Biking and Hiking

My mate Stewart Goudie from Edinburgh just wrote a blog about whizzing downhill on a bike being like life, and here's what I commented:

I love biking too and it sure feels great when you are whizzing downhill after straining up a hard incline. That's what I feel like at the moment, after going through a lot of depression and coming out into the light. But when you are flying downhill you have to watch you don't go too fast and come a cropper. That's why I'm going to get back into work gradually. Set off slowly and build up momentum is the best idea.

I have taken up biking over the last month or two and really enjoy it. I have been walking a bit more too. This has helped me in several ways. I feel better, because the endorphins get going, it is good for my physical health, and counsellors have told me (again and again) that exercise is an important way of getting to grips with depression.

Geoffrey Barnard is unwell

That was a euphemism used for a writer who used to get so drunk he couldn't produce his column. It was turned into a play.

Well, Peter McCabe has been unwell, and not able or willing to blog.

You've guessed it. I was very depressed. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I went back onto some stronger tablets and they gave me physical side effects: bad headache, nausea and light-headedness. Maybe it was because I couldn't think of anything to write about. Maybe it was because I was trying to come to terms with not having any money and owing people money I don't have. Or maybe, and this is getting to the real crux of the matter, I just couldn't be bothered.

Well, I'm back now. I guess the tone is pretty weary, but, hey, that's the way I'm feeling.

Three positives during this time:

1. I really found the Veronica Zundel book "Crying for the Light" helpful and am reading it again.
2. I have started riding a bike. Not only does this save money of fuel but also gives me exercise and gets the good feelings going a bit.
3. Springwatch on BBC2 has been fantastic. To see God's creation in all its majestic and tiny glory has been thrilling. Maybe I'm improving. At least I'm blogging again.
   

Crying for the Light

I've found the book I've been searching for.

It's called "Crying for the Light" and it's by Veronica Zundel. Published by Bible Reading Fellowship it's a snip at £5.99. even if you are living on Incapacity Benefit.

Why? Because it is written for depressed Christians by a Christian who is depressed. I was reading it this morning - part of it is a section with meditations on the Psalms - and I thought "This is talking to me in a language I can understand." Most books on depression don't do that.

This book is saying "It's alright to be a Christian and be depressed." Maybe I don't need to feel ashamed any more. God give me the grace for that.

One year on

I went for a walk with Audrey yesterday and she reminded me that it was a year to the day since I told her I was giving up my job.

What has happened since then? Well, I have started this blog and kept it going, off and on.

I have had lots of counselling, from Lancaster University Counselling Service and the NHS.

I have started a business called Brook House Enterprises and produced three booklets about the lives of people who lived in Ingleton in the Victorian era.

I have also felt miserable a lot of the time and not understood what was going on in me and around me. But at the same time I have been exercising my faith to believe it was for my good and God's glory. Being depressed is hard to come to terms with, especially for a Christian.

This is because a lot of the messages you hear say "Rejoice in the Lord." It's like that silly smile that we used to wear in the 1970s which said "Smile God loves you". I never did like it.



But Audrey took me to Our Father's House in Lancaster on Sunday morning and during the sermon the preacher, Clive Corfield, said "The root of depression could be an orphan spirit." So I was first out for ministry and I am seeking to put into practice what Mark Stibbe says in his book "From orphans to heirs".

It's a long hard road, but I'll get there in the end. One year on, and I'm still not home yet. Why does it take so long?

2008 - what a start!

We've been looking forward to it with hope for the last 18 months and 2008 has started very well.

At my church, Ingleton Methodist Church (IMC) we saw a tremendous response to an appeal to come out for prayer from our speaker, Martin Coates. Most of the people in the congregation of about 120 went forward. The prayer started about 11.50 a.m. and people were still being prayed for when I left at 1.15 p.m. How exciting!

At Westhouse Methodist Church, just a couple of miles away, at the same time 11 people were being baptised as believers, aged between 8 and 75. The 75 year old was a guy who lives in our village who was recently converted. What next?

And personally, through all this, I still feel miserable. What a life! Thanks be to God for the grace He gives to go in with it.

Second class citizen

As a depressed person I sometimes (no - often!) feel like a second class citizen.

When it seems that everyone else is bright and breezy and up-beat and I feel like a wet piece of lettuce it makes me think I'm definitely sitting in the second class compartment.

I felt that particularly this morning as I listened to Mike Bickle talking on The God TV Daily Devotional. He said that if you don't keep a regular time with the Lord and you don't read the Word then depression comes along because you are vulnerable to attack from the enemy.

Well, that definitely made me feel second class. As I looked back to when I first finished my job and realised I was suffering from depression that was so bad I couldn't work, I was in a good place spiritually. God was speaking to me constantly and I was listening. But I still had acute depression. And I still do.

Does that make me a second class Christian? Does the fact that I look at things negatively, have a poor self-image and find it difficult to cope with life mean that I am a spiritual destitute?

Or does having the Holy Spirit in my life as my Comforter mean that God through His Son gives me the inner strength to keep going in spite of this great difficulty? I dare to say it is the latter.

Books, books, books!

Over the last few days I have been lost in a couple of books. One is very new and the other very old.

The first is Fire and Steam by Christian Wolmar. It tells the story of the railways from the very beginning at the turn of the 19th century up to the present day. Well, the 14 November 2007 when I stood in St Pancras Station and watched the events which were celebrating its opening day. You can read a Times review here. I think it's great. A bit plodding at times, but I keep turning the pages.

The second is Bygone Bentham by Joseph Carr. It is a composition of several articles written between 1871 and 1896 on his memories of the village of Bentham. He was the Ingleton correspondent for the Lancaster Guardian for over 40 years in the 19th century and he opened up the Waterfalls Walk as well. These memoirs cost me a lot of money a few years ago but this Christmas I have found them to be worth every penny.

O and by the way my depression has been pretty bad over Christmas. I think it's the same for most of us who suffer in this way.

Winning Words

I got a book for a Christmas present on Tuesday. Nothing strange about that, I suppose. But I've read it already.

It came from my friends in Australia and is called Winning Words by Margaret Court the tennis champion. She is now a champion for Christ and a writer and speaker. In the book she talks about the power of words, especially the Word of God. It was an eye-opener to me.

This is what her website says about it:

Winning Words
In Winning Words Margaret shares the story of her battle with illness, exhaustion and depression. She discovered that God's word, embraced in faith, releases amasing power for healing and restoration. This has led her to both personal wholeness and a life of helping others. In an easy to read style Margaret shares her discovery.

I spent all yesterday morning reading it. And started putting it into practice. I even sent her an email asking her to pray for me as I did so. I'd like you to do the same. Because I am fed up with this depression and want to win over it.

Depression, it's a funny thing.

Depression is a funny thing. One day you feel ready to do anything. The next you just can't be bothered. That's how I am today.

I feel tired, lethargic, blase and everything else that stops you from functioning.

But hey, I can still blog, thank God.