Friday 31 August 2007

And the psychiatrist said....

"You don't have ADD."

Oops, sorry. Self-diagnosis via Google doesn't work.

But she said I did have some sort of depression which is not being dealt with by my present tablets. So she is recommending to the doctor that I change medication.

We'll see what that does.

A little note: She was younger than me, and that was quite a shock.

Thursday 30 August 2007

Praying Through

The Primitive Methodists knew a lot about prayer. They believed in praying through.

In other ways they prayed until they knew they had they answer. That happened to me this morning.

One short prayer and I knew it would be answered:

Unlock the cage of my mind so that I can write.

Watch this space.

Monday 27 August 2007

Greenbelt 3


Last day here at Cheltenham Race Course. I can't believe it.


It's been great just mooching round looking at what God is doing in and through the arts. And that's a lot.


I set off this morning intending to hear the composer Sir John Taverner talk about his music. But I ran into Jonny Baker (pixelated left) who remembered my talk with him at Durham last July. I was impressed. He invited me to the relaunch of Proost.co.uk at the CMS tent.


I tried Taverner but he was boring. Just mumbling into the microphone, and revealing some very dodgy theology. I left him and went to see the relaunch instead. Much more interesting. Have a look at the website.


This afternoon I had a go at Psalm Reading but I started falling asleep towards the end. Was I tired or was I bored? Perhaps both. But on the whole I am still enjoying Greenbelt. I'm enjoying it enough to pay £2 for a cup of coffee and half an hour of blogging anyway.
I saw the guy who does Fresh Expressions in Bradford. He said for Wendy Thornton to get in touch with him before she does her presentation on the subject at IMC on Saturday 15 September.

Sunday 26 August 2007

Greenbelt 2

OK I know this Christian arts festival is spiritual rather than Christian and liberal rather than conservative but I'm sure getting a lot out of it.



I have heard some really good talks on writing, literature and philosophy. Today I met a group I would like to know more about. Veritasse aims to promote Christianity in and through the fine arts. Just like me.



Finding Veritasse was one of those God-moments. I stumbled upon their tent as I made my way round an area of Greenbelt I hadn't been in before.

What a revelation it was to see modern art depicting the Christian faith and to meet the founder, Adrian Meller. He and I understood each other straight away. It felt like home.

Saturday 25 August 2007

Greenbelt

I motored down here to the Cheltenham Race Course yesterday. I am now on my second day at the Greenbelt Arts Festival. The theme is Heaven in Ordinary.



I'm staying with my Dad in Painswick and coming down here for the afternoon and evening. Most of my time is spent wandering around or listening to talks.



So far I have heard Andrew Tate talk about Heaven in Modern Literature.

Rachel Jones led a short story workshop to which I contributed this micro-fiction:-





The Final Step



"Watch your step." he said.

"These Dales are beautiful" she thought, "But they're also treachorous"

"What do you mean?" she said.

And he was gone.

She stood alone.

Again.



Rachel Jones said it was concise and economic.



I know I'm meant to be here and God is speaking to me. Pray that I will hear Him clearly.

Thursday 23 August 2007

Unearthing treasures

Earlier this year when I was helping my Dad move out of his house into sheltered accommodation I unearthed some real treasures. I found a nice suitcase he didn't need any more, and a few other things. But the most precious treasure I found was a letter.



It is the first letter I wrote as a Christian. I wrote it from Hobart, Tasmania, Australia, the day after I gave my life to Jesus. It was written one week and one day after I left England to seek my fortune Down Under. A lot happened in that week as you will read in the letter.



I am going to transcribe it for you.




3 Greenway Ave
Lenah Valley
Hobart
Tasmania 7008
22nd Feb 1974



Dear Mum and Dad


Something wonderful has happened. I have found what I came looking for. Not a job, not plenty of money, but God. Yesterday I became a Christian. I realised it was the Holy Spirit that brought me here to Hobart and I also realised that I just had to accept Jesus Christ as my Saviour. So I did. I cannot explain how wonderful I feel.


You will remember that I wasn't able to give you any definite reason for coming here. That was because I could not face the truth. Deep down inside I knew that God was bringing me here, but I was too embarrassed to say it. More than that, I did not really understand. It was the same at the Airport. I really did not want to go, but I knew I had to. Once I got here and the Christian Renewal Centre, I knew why I had come. I have never felt so certain of anything in my life. That was on Sunday.


One night I prayed with Mary until 2.00 a.m. On the next day I thought about it all day. The same the next day, and it gradually became clearer. Yesterday I went back to the Centre and professed my faith in Jesus. It was wonderful. I can face anything now, even death, without fear. Well, I suppose this will be a great shock to you. I hope it will be more of a wonderful surprise. What a week! To fly 12,000 miles and become a Christian! This will have given you a lot to think about. I hope you will write and tell me what you think. I must now write and tell Sheila. I pray she won't have a fit!!


By the way, I have also seen how much I take for granted from you. Thank you for all you have done for me, and will do for me. I love you both very much. I hope you realise that.


Love,


Pete

To explain: Mary is my Christian friend in Hobart and Sheila is my sister.

I had unearthed a precious treasure when I found this letter in my Dad's house, but it is nothing compared to the treasure I had uncovered the day before I wrote that letter.


See Matthew Chapter 13 Verses 44,45 & 46.

Star Gazing


I spent last night under the stars. Not out in the open but as near as I could get.


When I skipped to the loo last night, as I often do, I realised that this was one of the few nights this summer when we could see stars. Not in the sense of dazed but gazed.


So I went downstairs into our conservatory (see Wikipedia article) and looked out. What a lovely sight met my eyes. We don't suffer from light pollution here and I could see a myriad lights above me.


What did I do? I opened up the blinds and lay all night on the couch gazing up through the glass roof. Wonderful.


These words came to mind:


When I consider your heavens,

the works of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him,

the son of man that you care for him?

You made him a little lower than the angels

and crowned him with glory and honour.


Psalm 8 verses 3,4&5


[God] took [Abram] outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars - if indeed you can count them."


Genesis Chapter 15 verse 5


Hands that flung stars into space,

To cruel nails surrendered.


Graham Kendrick


Funnily enough while all this romantic star gazing was going on I had left the bedside light on and it was keeping Audrey awake. I was completely unaware of this, the memory having been driven from my mind by starlight.


Tuesday 21 August 2007

The Invisible Cage


I meant to write this yesterday. I wrote myself a note to remind me to write it but I forgot the note. This is part of what I now think of as my invisible cage.


I know who I am, and I know what I want to do, but I am kept from doing it by some invisible cage.
I forget things, I lose things, I put off doing things and nothing ever gets done. And even when I manage do something I get exhausted and have to spend a lot of time sleeping afterwards. What a life!


May God help me and the Psychiatrist I am seeing next week to break down these awful bars.

Saturday 18 August 2007

His Deedes are done


Two writers have influenced my style more than any others: George Orwell and WF Deedes.


Bill Deedes died last night at the age of 94 with pen in hand, or rather with keyboard at fingertips.


May I go the same way.


Thank God for such a gentleman journalist.

Thursday 16 August 2007

Who Am I?

Searching conversation at the breakfast table yesterday:

Audrey Who are you?

Me I am Pete McCabe and I'm a writer. I'm interesting and I make a positive contribution to all my relationships.

On thinking about this during the day I realised that in all our 29 years of marriage I have never described myself in such a positive manner before.

My self-image is improving.

Thank God for that.

Wednesday 15 August 2007

The Dream Goes on and on

As I walk through this valley of anxiety and depression, led by the Good Shepherd of the sheep, there is one light that shines into the darkness and gives me hope. It is the Shrimp Light.

In my depressive nightmare the Morecambe dream goes on and on. I've seen them win at their home ground, Christie Park, and get through to the Conference Play-off Final at Wembley. I've seen them win in that mighty arena in fantastic style. I've seen them hold good League Football opposition to a hard-fought draw and now I've seen them beat Preston North End at Deepdale in the Carling Cup.

Yes, we beat Preston on their home ground because their people understimated us. The ground staff underestimated the size of support which would come from Morecambe, and the team underestimated the strength of our footballing skill. We dominated them. We beat them. And we deserved it.

Look out Wrexham. Here we come!

Tuesday 14 August 2007

George Hope

George Hope was the name of a Scottish farmer and writer in the 1800s.

It is also the name of a character I am going to write about in the future.

He cares about England, like I do.

His name came to me this morning at 07.51 a.m.

Monday 13 August 2007

The Battle

Yesterday I felt so low that I didn't even want to go to church at IMC. Now that really is low.

But I made a choice. I had two options. One was to stay at home and be miserable. The other was to go to church and welcome people.

23 years ago yesterday our eldest son Matthew was born. It was a Sunday so I gave out the hymn books and the news of his birth. I decided to do it again exactly 23 years later.

So I went to church yesterday and I took over the welcome duty from Arthur Allen. And instead of moping at home I welcomed people with a smile, a handshake, and a hug (for some!).

So that was a spiritual battle won by the grace of God and the choice of man.

Saturday 11 August 2007

Can't work, Won't work?

Last night I was amazed to open two envelopes from the Department of Works and Pensions. One letter announced that I had been awarded Incapicity Benefit and the other told me that the money would be paid into my account on a two weekly basis.



I was both amazed and thankful to find this out. Amazed because I thought I was still making my way very slowly through the application process, and thankful to God for providing this income.



But why is there such a stigma asociated with this?



I got two phone calls this morning telling me of a vacancy for a job I used to do - working nights at Jenkin Lodge, a residential home for three people with learning difficulties and physical disabilities. I did that for a couple of years when I first went to the doctor's with depression and it was really good until one night I suffered severe back pain which led to heart palpitations and to a short stay in hospital. I told both callers that I wasn't interested.



Am I embarrassed by getting Incapacity Benefit? No more so than when I was unemployed for 18 months after we left Epping and got Unemployment Benefit. I still see it as a way in which God is providing for our needs.



Why is work so important anyway? Why do we humans, especially men, get our self-respect mainly from work? Why can't we just be ourselves whether we can work or not?



I must read "Unto this Last" by Ruskin.

Friday 10 August 2007

Garden Blog

Life isn't quite so bad as below.

I am writing this out in the garden!

I'll have to write it in red!

Colour my world

I try to fit the colours of my words in this blog to the feelings in my mind.



But what colour can I use today?



Is it green because I envy those who can think well enough to earn money?



Is it blue because I feel so down and bluesy at the moment?



Is it claret because the football season is starting on Saturday and I want Burnley to do well?



Maybe it should be grey because I am in a grey area where I am managing to exist but not to live very well.



I don't know.



The only thing I know is: I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.



Praise be to the Name of Jesus!





Thursday 9 August 2007

I'm not enjoying this

Today has been a bad day for me.

After writing this AM's Blog I couldn't carry on doing anything after 8.40 p.m. My brain had gone. My head ached, I was dizzy, my stomach was queazy, I couldn't think straight.

I spent the whole morning resting, mainly on the settee in the conservatory and watching the God TV Daily Devotional. That helped but it was an awful morning.

Better afternoon. Spoke to my friend Mary in Australia who said she'd pray for me. Went for a walk in the sunshine.

This is a bit of a contrast to Monday.

The Mahoneys





I went to a meeting last night at Ingleton Evangelical Church to hear this family talk about their work in Spain. They moved there from Ingleton.

They are Bob and Debbie Mahoney and their two sons Mark and Paul.

Mark, the older son, read a Scripture in Spanish and Bob talked about it in English. Then Bob showed some pictures and maps of Spain and what they are doing out there.

I found it very moving because many years ago I pastored a church with 12 people in Epping Essex. Whenever we came home and spent time in Ingleton we hated going back.

In January they will finish learning Spanish after 18 months and start leading a 12 member church in central Spain. I don't envy them but I admire their obedience to God's call.

Lord be with them

Wednesday 8 August 2007

Anonymous Counselling


You may have been able to tell from this blog by now that the counselling I am getting through Lancaster University is the best I have ever had. It is making a real difference.


When I first sat down to start it a couple of months back I said that I was fed up with counselling because it never worked, never made a difference. But this has and is making a great difference in my life.


I have stated this at various sessions and the counsellor asked me last time what the difference was. My instant reaction was to say: "This is reflective rather than absorbing." I always think that he is holding up a mirror for me to look into and ask myself Who Are You?


I hated looking in that mirror at first. I didn't want to see what was there. But gradually I am coming to terms with who and what I am.


Thinking about it since the last session I now realise that I know NOTHING about my counsellor except his name. Before this all those who have been counselling me have been talking about themselves as well as me, and I just let them get on with it. This was not just because I was interested in them, but because it deflected the gaze from me.


My University Counsellor doesn't allow that. He is always bringing the attention back to me. I hated this at first, because I hated myself. But now I rather enjoy looking in that mirror and seeing what I see.


It's quite a revelation.

Tuesday 7 August 2007

Joy comes at a price

I must say that yesterday's exciting joy came at a price.

When I said I was "reading about ADD" I did not say that this consisted of half an hour of reading and three quarters of an hour of sleep followed by another half hour of reading which brought on another 45 minutes of sleep.

Later, after I had made the tea and washed up I was totally exhausted and slept in the conservatory for two hours. But after that I was able to watch TV and enjoy it.

But my night sleep ended with a nightmare. Hey ho. It is still the worst of times and the best of times, as Dickens said.

Thanks be to the Lord who is walking through the Valley with me.

Monday 6 August 2007

I'm enjoying this

I usually blog in the morning between 8 and 9 o'clock. But right now it's just gone 4 o'clock in the afternoon on Monday 6 August. I'm blogging now because I just had to tell you how much I am enjoying today!

I don't know what the difference is, but my mind is clear and I am getting things done - the Half Hour Prayer Meeting at IMC, reading about ADD, mowing and strimming the grass. And soon I shall be making the tea. And I'm enjoying it!

Thank you Lord!

Saturday 4 August 2007

To see ourselves as others see us

I am still in shock from what I learned about myself yesterday:

1. I am hypersensitive

2. I need to work on my relationship with Audrey in a much deeper way than I had previously realised.

Thank you Lord for opening my eyes.



To put Robert Burns Scots verse into English:

O would some Power the gift to give us

To see ourselves as others see us!

It would from many a blunder free us,

And foolish notion:

What airs in dress and gait would leave us,

And even devotion!

God help me as I process this.

Friday 3 August 2007

Through this valley

This has been a week of activity and sleep. I have been to Hollybush Camp for the day, and also slept a lot because of this fatigue. Nevertheless Jesus is walking through this valley with me.

What valley? The Valley of the Shadow of Death. I read Psalm 23 again this morning and realised afresh that Jesus the Good Shepherd has led me into this valley and I will fear no evil for He is with me.

When RT Kendall preached at CLAN Gathering I was challenged to wonder if this really was the worst experience I had ever been through in my Christian life. I didn't think it was. Up to now, that has always been the time in 1980 when the church I was pastoring in Epping was trying to get rid of me. But now I realise this is even worse.

Why? Because then I had the support of those around me, but now I don't. Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through, only Jesus. And His rod and staff they comfort me.

Thank you, Lord.