Two steps forward, one step back

I think it's in Nigeria where custom dictates that when the Bride is entering the church for her wedding she makes slow progress to her Bridegroom because she and her father take two steps forward and one step back as they walk up the aisle.



On Thursday I took two steps forward in finding my way home, by being able to visualise my personality. Yesterday I took one step back. And it felt like a giant leap.



I was going to a symposium at the University, organised by the Ruskin Centre. It was called Disseminating Ruskin.



The first problem was that I couldn't remember where it was being held. I got to the University alright and went to the Porter's Lodge. But they didn't know. They suggested asking at the Ruskin Library. So I went and asked there. They didn't know. It was time to eat.



I went to find a cheap cup of coffee. First to Bowness College coffee shop. It was closed. To Furness. Nothing there. So I went to the Place and saw Professor Keith Handley so I asked him.



Then I read the obituary of George Melly. What an awful man. His influence on this country was ghastly.



To cut a long story short, I had found out that the event lasted a lot longer than I had thought and that I needed to text Audrey to tell her I'd be home later. No credit on my mobile. I tried ringing T-mobile and got so confused I had to ring off. So I went to the paper shop at Uni to buy credit there.

I was going to pay with a card but they only take cash. So off to the cash machine I went. Then back to the shop with the money and got the credit, plus a packet of Paracetamol for the headache that was coming on (!)



I felt rotten all day. I enjoyed the talks though and it was good to catch up with Pauline who is on the MA Course with me.



Once I got home I found the application for Incapacity Benefit waiting for me. As I read it through I was thinking Am I really unfit for work? I fell asleep at 9.45 p.m.



When I woke at 2.00 a.m. and lay pondering and praying about my condition for hours I decided that yes, I am not fit to work. The words used by my colleagues to describe my work: confused and chaotic come to mind.

God help me.