A new day dawns

I enjoy getting up in the morning more than I used to. This is either because I am enjoying life more or because I don't wake up in the night as often.

I think it's the former which is a good sign. Most nights I wake at three or four o'clock and don't get back to sleep for a long time. That's a classic sign of depression.

Having work to do, even if it is voluntary work, gives you a reason to get up in the morning and also having a timetable to follow helps you to get things done. I still don't want to overdo it. The secret is having a balance.

I'm no xenophobe...

Have you noticed that whenever people want to say something about people of another colour they start by saying "I'm not a racist, but.."?
Well, I'm not a xenophobe, but I have never been so insulted as when applying for jobs in the recent hiatus when I had to be a job seeker.
On every application form I filled in I had to prove that I was legally able to work in the United Kingdom. It did feel like an insult.
Only once have I not lived in this country. That was when I was a foreign exchange student at Waverly High School, Nebraska, USA in the 1970/71 school year. That was also when I became aware of the wonderful diversity of cultures that this world offers and I have celebrated and enjoyed it ever since.
But to be asked to prove that I have the right to work in my own country, whose air I have breathed for most of my 55 years and whose taxes I have paid for decades really was an insult.
That's why I can understand the frustration of those who are upset at foreign labour being brought into this country when we have such high unemployment.
And I never thought I would see the day when I would shout at Lord Mandelson when he appeared on TV to justify this "Why should we believe anything you say anyway?!" But I have and I did.
Gosh, this is turning into a ranting blog!

Hello and Goodbye

I just popped into to say farewell. I am going on a mission to Hastings for the next ten days and will be offline. How can you cope without my blogs?!

I managed to do three evenings at Lakeland this week. Two were being trained and last night I was on my own. I panicked a bit at first but I managed to get round.

I stopped off at Asda on the way home because they are looking for people doing the same job as I'm doing at Lakeland but in the early mornings. I would much prefer to do that. So I will be applying. Evenings don't suit me at all.

Money problems have arisen. The Incapacity Benefit stopped on 2 September so I am appealing against that. I went for an interview about Job Seekers Allowance on Wednesday and was told I would not get any money because I am earning more than they would give me from the work I do at Lakeland.

So now what? God alone knows. Watch this space. And watch out Hastings, here I come!

I got through

Last week I got through a medical on Wednesday and passed through training and testing on a picking machine on Thursday. This is like a forked-lift truck and I had to go through a whole day of theory and practical training. It was awful.

The guy who asked me if I was lazy turned out to be a brilliant driver while I found it very hard indeed. At one point he took me on one side and told me how badly I was doing and how I would have to improve if I was going to get through. And he was NOT the trainer!

You can imagine what that did for my morale.

But I did get through, with the minimum possible marks. All I could think about afterwards was how badly I had done and what he had said to me. The fact that I had actually passed and would be able to go to work the next week paled against what he had said to me. That's what depression does to you.

So yesterday I went to work, and I ENJOYED IT! Only doing four hours helped, and doing it in the evening when the warehouse was not so busy helped too. But I knuckled down and did it, helped by a woman who was training me. Some things I got right and some I got wrong, but I learned along the way. And I am looking forward to going back on Wednesday.

Also on Wednesday I have an interview with someone at Jobcentre Plus about applying for Job Seekers Allowance. This is because I learned late last week that I am being denied Incapacity Benefit as the Government now feels I am fit to work. Well, my counsellor and doctor don't feel I am ready for full time work so I am challenging that decision. We'll see what happens.

Back to work

I was quite nervous about going back to work yesterday.

It really hit home when the man sitting next to me asked me why I was only doing 12 hours a week. "Is it because you're lazy?" he said. Some people have no feeling at all.

So I told him it was because I was recovering from depression and then he said he was as well. We got into quite a discussion about it, and I'm training with him again on Thursday.

As far as what we did: most of the day we sat in a training room, went through paperwork and watched videos about fire, health and safety, etc. I was training with 8 others, most of whom were young males, and one token female.

There was a man about ten years younger than me who looked a bit jaded. He let on that he had been self-employed up to this point, so I guess he'd had to go back to paid work.

We had a look round the warehouse, with a guy called Dave who knew my son Matthew. This was because Matthew worked there at Lakeland when he got over his depression last autumn. I seem to be following in his footsteps.

I was given a works number, a locker and uniform. I am wearing in the boots at this moment. I get a cap with my name on. The facilities are pretty good, with a lunch area, internet room and games room. So I am starting to look forward to it.

Back tomorrow for a medical, and on Thursday for more training.

I got the job!

Yes! I got the job I was interviewed for a few weeks ago.

I had given up on it, as I had heard nothing. But yesterday morning the phone rang and the man at the other end offered me the post.

So next Monday morning at 9.00 a.m. I report for duty at Lakeland Ltd. in Kendal.

The work will be 12 hours a week over three nights working four hours per night. Just the right level at which to get back into the workplace.

I should be able to do this and still get my Incapacity Benefit. Thank you Lord. Thank you too for your prayers and concern.

Can't work, Won't work?

Last night I was amazed to open two envelopes from the Department of Works and Pensions. One letter announced that I had been awarded Incapicity Benefit and the other told me that the money would be paid into my account on a two weekly basis.



I was both amazed and thankful to find this out. Amazed because I thought I was still making my way very slowly through the application process, and thankful to God for providing this income.



But why is there such a stigma asociated with this?



I got two phone calls this morning telling me of a vacancy for a job I used to do - working nights at Jenkin Lodge, a residential home for three people with learning difficulties and physical disabilities. I did that for a couple of years when I first went to the doctor's with depression and it was really good until one night I suffered severe back pain which led to heart palpitations and to a short stay in hospital. I told both callers that I wasn't interested.



Am I embarrassed by getting Incapacity Benefit? No more so than when I was unemployed for 18 months after we left Epping and got Unemployment Benefit. I still see it as a way in which God is providing for our needs.



Why is work so important anyway? Why do we humans, especially men, get our self-respect mainly from work? Why can't we just be ourselves whether we can work or not?



I must read "Unto this Last" by Ruskin.