Saturday 29 September 2007

Relighting an Old Flame


I have flirted with Miss Write for a long, long time. But I have never yet made an honest woman of her. I've been afraid to commit.

We went out for 15 years when I was the Ingleton correspondent for the Craven Herald, the Westmorland Gazette and the Lancaster Guardian. But it was only a part-time arrangement.

This blog is a loose attachment. I like to let her know what's been going on in my life, but we don't see each other every day.

But just lately I have taken steps of engagement. On September 17 2007 at 7.30 a.m. I began writing my first George Hope novel.

After writing and editing a chapter, which took the most part of a week at two hours a day, I showed it to my wife Audrey. She is a woman of few words and when they come out they are straight talking. To sum up what she said: It has great potential. So I knew I was on to something.

Yesterday I found myself in HSBC Kendal asking about a business loan. Does this mean a wedding? Am I going to commit myself to Miss Write for the rest of my life?

Keep reading and see.

Thursday 27 September 2007

Why change so often?


I use AOL as my main portal to the internet. It is where I keep my emails because I can easily remember my address: PeterJMcC@aol.com. But they keep changing the look of it.




I opened it up this morning and it had a new look again. I only just got used to the last one. Why does IT infrastructure need changing and updating so often? Is it to keep up with technology or is it to justify the extortionate amount of money the programmers are paid?




It's the same with government. I think Ministers of the crown change things in order to make their mark, get noticed by Number Ten and get promoted.


Sometimes this goes drastically wrong and they get demoted. But at least they have had a go. But there's a great adage that says "If it's not broke, why fix it?"




I'm fed up with things changing all the time. Give me some stability for God's sake.




Am I a grumpy old man?

Wednesday 26 September 2007

Worshipping Mammon



Today I have been worshipping at the Sheffield temple dedicated to mammon - Meadowhall Shopping Centre. And I enjoyed it.



Let me explain. For the last 24 hours Nathan and I have been on a trip to Sheffield. We did three things.





We watched Morecambe get beaten 5-0 by Sheffield United but it was fun watching with lots of other Shrimp supporters.



We stayed overnight at the Travelodge in Sheffield



We had breakfast at Meadowhall and stayed on for several hours looking round.



It was fascinating watching the shoppers. They were mainly women, either in twos or single. Some men were present but it was their female companions who took the lead.



Those men I did see on their own were mainly sitting on benches waiting for their other halves. Ah what a female palace of retail therapy!

Monday 24 September 2007

Depression, it's a funny thing.




Depression is a funny thing. One day you feel ready to do anything. The next you just can't be bothered. That's how I am today.


I feel tired, lethargic, blase and everything else that stops you from functioning.


But hey, I can still blog, thank God.

Thursday 20 September 2007

Left side down

I feel slightly less gloomy today, thank God.

But my left side has been giving me trouble for the last three weeks. My left arm particularly is always painful and feels heavy. My left leg too isn't at its best.

O well, as somebody said when I complained about the headaches and tiredness, "You must be on your way out!"

So I retorted: "I'll save a space for you, then." and he's a lot older than me.

I'll just have to remember that this fixation with health is a symptom of my depression.

Wednesday 19 September 2007

Fed up

Gosh, I feel awful this morning - mentally, physically, spiritually. But especially mentally.

The Germans have an expression: "Alles ist zu ein ander". It sort of means everything is mixed up and back to front. Well, that's how I feel this morning.

O I know blogs should be bright and breezy and people should be bright and breezy and it seems to me that there's a lot of pressure on 21st century Christians to be bright and breezy. But I'm not.

So there.

Tuesday 18 September 2007

God speaks - and how!

On Sunday Sarah Jackson from Cumbria led a family service at IMC with the title "God speaks". It was really good.

What amazed me most was that several experiences of last week all came together in that service. Let me explain.

On Tuesday I went to the nurse at Bentham to have my ears looked at to see if I needed wax to be removed, as I am not hearing very well. She poked about and did a bit of dewaxing but that was not the problem. On Sunday I was asked to tell the congregation how I can hear more clearly when my ears have been syringed.

On Thursday evening I checked into a room at the Travelodge on the M40 Cherwell Services and found a towel behind the bathroom door and a pair of cotton buds on the chair. Cotton buds and towels made an appearance in the service.

On Saturday afternoon I engaged in woodpecker worship and blogged about it. Would you believe it? The service was all about stopping and listening to God just like I stopped and listened and watched that woodpecker the day before.

AND THE SOUND OF WOODY WOODPECKER WAS PLAYED DURING THE SERVICE!!

Was God speaking or what?

What he was saying was that I should find out what it is that is hindering me from hearing him and have it dealt with. Well, the obvious thing is depression.

So I went back to a second session on "Dealing with Depression" at the Village Well, Hellifield and that helped very much.

O, and I have decided to stay off any tablets for the time being.

I'll let you know how that goes.

Saturday 15 September 2007

Woodpecker worship


I saw that woodpecker again just now. I was down at the bottom of what I call the Primrose Walk, right at the edge of our land. I was hacking away some old nettles and brambles when I heard a familiar sound.


It was the same plaintive knocking that I heard last week and I thought, that woodpecker's about somewhere. So I stopped and listened. I pinpointed the direction of the sound and caught a flash of red. Then the whole bird came into all its glorious view.


As I stood there moved but unmoving, watching this green, red and black creature pecking away at the tree with bits of bark flying off in all directions I began to thank God for that moment, that sight, that bird and I realised that it was a form of worship.


It was not hands-in-the-air worship, or singing-fit-to-burst worship, not even liturgical worship but woodpecker worship: thanking God for his glorious creation summed up in a beautiful busy bird.


Then other birds joined in the chorus and I was transported with delight. How great it would be if we in the Western world could all join in woodpecker worship. In other words: stop, listen, look and worship.
PS I got the picture off the internet. My camera is broken. Ah well, back to work.

You name it, I've been there 2

It is 09.13 on Saturday 15 September and I have just returned from a jolly old jaunt round Britain. Well, a bit of the South anyway.

I set off with my daughter Emma at 7.30 a.m. on Thursday morning and headed for Headington Oxford. She was due to sign up for a shared student house there with three others - two girls and one boy.

We got there about 11.30 a.m. and I was delighted to observe that the three girls were accompanied by all their dads and one mum. Hooray for the Lads! The boy arrived on his own.

After introductions to the rooms and logistics by an agent who was no older than they are (19/20/21) we left them alone to decide on the room they each wanted. This they eventualy did.

I raced upstairs with Emma's gear (yes, at 54!) and then we went to Tesco's to eat and shop.
While we were eating our sandwiches outside on a bench a beggar asked us for money . If I wasn't so poor at the moment I would have bought him some lunch.

Then we took the shopping back to Emma's new place and I scarpered off to the Travelodge at Cherwell Services. I spent about 15 hours there for £15. What a bargain! On the way down we had stopped off at Stafford Services where there were adverts everywhere for the nearby Premier Travel Inn at (only!) £48 a room. No contest.

Yesterday (Friday) I meandered through the North Cotswolds, going through Chipping Norton, Burford, Bibury, and Cirencester, the place of my birth. I saw a sign for Siddington (my mother's birthplace) and the Royal Agricultural College (my father's alma mater) and realised that those two places led to my birth.

I then spent just over an hour in Brimscombe and motored on to Dad's at Painswick.

After a quick lunch Dad, his friend Michael and I went on through Stroud, past Stonehouse to Slimbridge Wetland Centre. We all had a great time walking, talking and admiring the birds.

By the time we got back to Dad's I was tired out. I spent the night in the Guest Room

But this morning I got up at 5.00 a.m. and made my way back from Painswick to Ingleton in just over three hours. This is a record time, brought on by lack of time and money.

Wednesday 12 September 2007

Hope for the Future 2

I've been thinking a lot this morning about HOPE.

My depression gives me a feeling of hopelessness and yet my faith is one of hope.

I went to see the nurse about my ears yesterday. It seems I am going deaf. So now I am suffering from depression and deafness.

Don't you think our country is in this state too?

We are depressed and hopeless because of our post-modern culture. We are deaf because we are unable to hear God's voice clearly.

O that the Church would bring spiritual hope and hearing back to this country.

O that God would use us to do it.

O that He would use me to do it.

Tuesday 11 September 2007

The Woodpecker and the Dragonfly

Living in this mental prison means I can get out more.

These last few days have been sunny and warm and so I have been eating my lunch outside on the lounger looking at Ingleborough.

Yesterday I heard a knocking sound and looked up to see a woodpecker inspecting the large tree to my left.

As I lay there and watched for a full ten minutes it climbed ever higher up the trunk and then along the branches, tapping here and there with its beak. What an amazing sight it was: beautiful plumage; intense acrobatics; one of God's wonderful creations. And I could watch it until it eventually flew off to try another tree.

A little later a flash of blue lower down near the hedge row showed me the trail of a dragonfly. Just a few seconds of blurred blue flight and it was gone. But it was no less exciting than the bird.

I hate having this depression but I am enjoying the sudden sights on the journey.

You name it, I've been there

Yesterday life took me on a journey of discovery across North Craven.

I crisscrossed the map on appointments and meetings which took me to Ingleton, Settle, Giggleswick, Bentham, Kirkby Lonsdale and Hellifield.

The events included prayer meetings, dentist, coffee, picking up son from the bus and Dealing with Depression.

This last was what took me to Hellifield and the Village Well. I started on a five week course dealing with my current mental condition. Most of what was said is under wraps but I hereby give myself permission to share one of my utterances with you:

"There is one thing which is helping me through this time of depression and that's blogging."

Once again, thanks for being there. And thank the Lord for the blog.

Monday 10 September 2007

Dreams and Reality


Coming off these anti-depressant drugs is really weird. I am having very strong dreams.
They started as nightmares but my wife Audrey prayed over me and they gave way to very realistic dreaming.


They are so realistic that each time I woke up last night and turned over after a dream I had to tell myself: "This is reality. I am in bed at Brook House and I am turning over." It was remarkable.


A lot of the dreams take me back to former work situations and difficult relationships I had there. Today I see that this is bubbling up from my subconscious and showing me the repressed anger that is down there.


May God give me the grace to forgive those who have hurt me and to get rid of the anger that is causing my depression.

Saturday 8 September 2007

Coming off the tablets

This is awful. I spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening in bed. I felt so ill. My family couldn't understand what was happening to me. Uuugh!

Today has been spent lazing about in the house and out here in the sunny garden. Nathan and I were supposed to go to a football match at Chester last night but I was in bed. Morecambe won with a last minute penalty! They are beating all comers.

I now have four days without any tablets and then go on to a stronger regime.

When I told the Doctor yesterday that my health (or lack of it) was dominating my life, he said that was yet another symptom of depression. What a weird thing it is. I'll be glad to be rid of it eventually.

Friday 7 September 2007

Finding my way out

I don't know what colour Cold Turkey is but it's what I'm going through at the moment.

Cold Turkey is the nickname for coming off drugs. I feel awful. But God is still at work in my life.

After seeing the Doctor this morning I had lunch and went to bed. I just couldn't cope with my headache, jumbled thoughts and angry feelings.

I got up after a couple of hours and watched God TV. I don't usually watch TV in the day time but I felt drawn to it.

The first thing I watched was a young American chap preaching at the Rock Nations Conference 2005 in Bradford.

One illustration he used caught my imagination. It was about some men called The Incredibles who built the largest aircraft hangar in the world to house 747 jets that had not yet been built. When the planes were built they changed the world.

Then a song came up called Now is Your Time by Michael W Smith. It was about about a girl who was killed in the Columbine High School massacre. Her name was Cassie, a strong Christian who died for her faith.

Then I walked into the conservatory and a robin was fluttering about inside trying to get out. It suddenly flew out of the open door and away to freedom.

I felt that through these three things the Holy Spirit was speaking to me. He was showing me that I need to find my way out of this depression. It might take months. But my time will come and I will build something no one else has yet seen which will change the world.

Please pray for me to find the exit.

Stop taking the tablets

Today is a red letter day for me. It is the day I took my last ant-depressant tablet the name of which I never can remember. I have been taking them off and on since November 2004.

Since I saw the psychiatrist last week I have been going onto a new regime. The start was to just take one pill a day instead of two, for one week. Now I am to stop altogether for four days. After that I start another sort of medication.


So today I took my last tablet. My poor wife knows it. I've been like a bear with a sore head last night and this morning. Those pills must have been doing some good. The trouble is, I didn't realise how much.

I felt absolutely awful this morning. But when I came to this blog and saw how people enjoy reading it almost as much as I enjoy writing it, then I knew it was worth it.

Thanks for being there.

And thank the Lord that I can still write.

Thursday 6 September 2007

Lunchtime View

I can't believe it. Here I am on Poverty Street, learning how to live on very little, and God blesses me so much.



I chose to eat for my lunch today the remains of the spaghetti that Emma cooked on Tuesday. I mixed it up with cheese and brown sauce and it was the closest thing you could get to a Chinese meal without the money or the chopsticks.



As I was padding through to the consevatory I thought Why don't I eat in the garden today? So there I was eating free Chinese nosh with the most fabulous view in front of me.



It looked like this, only better.



Why better? Because I could see the lawn, a beautiful carpet of green.

Is God generous, or what?

Tatterthorn Tat

Just before she went to work at 11.00 a.m. Audrey announced "I'm going for a short walk". Before I could argue with myself I said I would go with her.



We set off round the Circle. This is a 40-minute walk we often take near here which includes our own Tatterthorn Road. Audrey soon had to go back but I carried on and kept busy picking up any bits of litter I saw.



Pretty soon my pockets and hands were full of tat: plastic bottles, tin cans and fag packets. Why is there all this Tatterthorn tat? I wondered. Don't people realise how beautiful this area is? They only care about themselves and getting rid of their rubbish.



By the way, "tat" is defined in my Chambers Dictionary as

Pretentious odds and ends of little real value



A bit like this blog really.

Through Stones


I was praying at IMC this morning and looking at the way our forefathers built the original chapel building in 1838. I noticed that the walls had different sized stones put together with a layer every so often of flat stones.


As I was thinking about this Tom Brown Senior came along. His men built the 2005 version of IMC. He said that the flat stones were through-stones which helped to keep the wall intact and standing. "Well," I observed, "They've managed it for nearly 200 years. So it must have worked."


This got me googling on through-stones and I have found that they need to be selected at the beginning of the build. So those original chapel builders chose those through-stones to be in place before the work started.


Through-stones hold the two different parts of the wall together.


Through-stones help distribute the weight of the stones better and can actually add about 75 years to the lifespan of a wall because the wall can settle that much more before it falls apart.


God give us through-stones at IMC 2007



Wednesday 5 September 2007

Celebrate little victories


I just wanted to share with you what I felt the Lord showed me this morning, that we should celebrate little victories.


I've had a pile of papers overflowing a plastic box in this office for months. Every time I walk past it, which is several times a day, I think "I must make a start on that." I promised Audrey I would do so several times, but it has all come to nothing.


This morning I spent several minutes looking at it from my computer chair and thinking how I could get started. Then I walked over to it and took some books and maps out and put them on the stairs in order to go where they should be.


As I realised that I had made a start I thought about the second time King David made a start to bring the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem. I knew I had read somewhere that they had just gone a step or two when he celebrated.


I found it in 2 Samuel chapter 6 verse 13:


When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he [David] sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf.


In other words, he rejoiced in the little victory of taking a few steps forward. So I give thanks to the Lord that I have made a start on the box of papers. Hallelujah!

Tuesday 4 September 2007

Up and down, up and down.


Here's some information you may not know. The Americans call a see-saw a teeter-totter. And that's what my life feels like at the moment.
Just like the man in the picture it goes up and down, up and down...
Up I go in spiritual ways, when I meet with God and He changes everything. Like a couple of days ago when I got a book called Feeling Good from my friend Mary in Tasmania. It has great ideas in it for depressed people. I hope and pray that I will put them into action.
And things are looking up in family ways too. Emma celebrated her 21st birthday in style over the weekend. She was ably assisted by her mother who helped in all sorts of practical ways (as she always does). Audrey was supposed to be in France with a prayer team but she stayed here. I was not happy when she decided that, but she was right after all.
Matthew has jumped out of his depression and is busy climbing mountains and applying for jobs. What an amazing, miraculous change. Thank you Lord!
Nathan started at Kendal College today. I took him to catch the bus at the Community Centre at 7.30 a.m. and then went on to pray at IMC. I get a real buzz out of that.
Down I go physically and mentally. By 9.00 a.m. I was suffering from the usual headache, nausea, and sensitivity to light and sound. The only answer to this is to lie on the settee. Peter Capstick rang up as I was doing so and suggested I walk it off.
Then Audrey came in and I pointed out "It's a lovely day out there." (We British love to talk about the weather, you know.) And straight away she said "Let's go for a walk then." So what could I do but go along with her?
It worked. It brought me back up again. Not as far as when I got up but a long way up from where I was, thank God.
So the journey of finding my way home has many ups and downs, like a see-saw, or teeter-totter.

Saturday 1 September 2007

Jobcentreplus Interview


I went to Skipton on the train from Ribblehead yesterday for a work-focused interview with an Adviser at Jobcentreplus.


It seemed more like a computer-focused interview to me. The woman kept looking at her computer screen, asking questions off it and occasionally deigning to look in my direction.


When the computer said "What sort of work are you likely to look for in the future?" at first I said "Well, Church work, I suppose."


Then I leaned forward towards the human being and said "But what I really want is to be a writer." Her eyes never flickered from their gaze at the screen and her face registered no interest whatsoever.


But hey, I picnicked in the Yorkshire Dales and took a train on the Settle to Carlisle line and I wasn't even on holiday. And I got the fare back.